Audrey, I was so worried when you called because you were crying so hard. How are you?
Now? Right now I am fine. I get over things very quickly.
Usually when someone is that passionate in their emotions then it means they are dealing with a fear. Let's just talk about what you're afraid of, okay?
No. Not okay. We're not going to psychoanalyze this. Maybe I was upset because the SITUATION is upsetting. Maybe I am upset. This is not going to be about fears.
I can't answer any of your questions about why. There isn't a clear answer, even when I am being honest with myself the answers change.
You never talked to us! Never once did you sit us down and explain why our world was turning upside down, never did you ask us how it made us feel, if we were handling it, because we weren't handling it!
Whenever I tried talking to you you always got so upset.
Of course I'm upset. My parents divorced after twenty-seven years and my mom has a boyfriend. It's upsetting! I am your child. I will be upset. But you should have TALKED to me. You've never once told me about Bob. Not once. You've been dating for over two years. One time I come home and he's living there!
It's always been this way; when you left the church, when you separated with Dad, when you divorced. One day you hid in your room while dad told us he was tired of faking his life because of us and God didn't exist, and after that you no longer went to church. You never told us when you went to the Unitarian church; you freakin' left programs around for us to find; where you went on Sunday mornings was not our business!
I don't remember that. I remember Joyce asking what the Unitarians believed and you saying 'they don't believe anything'.
That was months later! Ask Joyce how it started.
I only went there once a month at first. I was always traveling with work. I wasn't even home.
And you think that helped the situation! We were forever guessing, and when we don't know we make it up, we get resentful...You announced casually over Christmas break that you and dad were separating as if you were saying that dinner would be late.
Surely you saw there was tension between us. It didn't come out of the blue.
No, but we didn't understand. It didn't help that Dad kept living with us. We were confused all the time and you never helped that. One random Tuesday as I came down the stairs to get ready for school you casually mention that the divorce will be finalized that day because Tuesdays are the best days to get to court. Why?
I told you there's no why. Not one I can explain. You were a child. I know you're nineteen now -
I'm twenty now. I was eighteen when you got divorced and I was fourteen when you left the church. Joyce was thirteen. Those years between you leaving the church and the divorce were so hard. I felt utterly abandoned. I had no parents! I could talk to you and dad like friends, but I saw no authority, no guidance. And I was constantly trying to take care of Joyce. And you're right I was a child.
I'm sorry. I know I was a terrible mother. I felt suddenly that bringing God into raising you would be hypocritical. I felt I had lost my clout. Also I was terrified for Joyce. Always. Worried that if I pushed back she'd go. I was so afraid of losing her. I was always so proud of you.
You didn't screw us up. We're all healthy, happy people, but we're angry and confused too. We're mad at you.
I was just so afraid...
This conversation was going to turn into one about fears anyway. We were finally going to talk. The call lasted an hour and another was promised in the future. I was honest. I was angry and hurt. I never said sorry. I never said I forgive you. But maybe we'll get there in time.
No comments:
Post a Comment