I automatically compare myself to other people. I do it with friends, strangers, co-workers. And I tend to judge people by our differences. If in a situation a friend does something that I would never do, I use that instance to decide if the friend is better or worse than I. I would never steal, therefore in this instance I am better. I would never help that person, therefore I am worse. Similarities are above judgment, simply because I don't feel justified in condemning or praising someone for something I do too.
I first saw her a week ago. I haven't met her, so my analysis is strictly by distant observation. But that didn't stop me from drawing conclusions and making comparisons. For all the qualities that we possessed in common I felt vindicated, consoled even. Yes, of course she's intelligent, he'd only date someone intelligent, he thought I was intelligent. And if I made more comments in class, so much the better. But again, it was the differences that struck me.
I found myself asking, who's better here, is this what I was missing, is he glad that she is...? She's shorter than I am, and I can confidently say that he liked me for being tall. She's so put together in a way that looks like she irons her underwear that I felt suddenly sloppy. She's graceful and soft-spoken and well-educated and professional. I am none of those things, but if I ever desire those qualities, I know I can obtain them. If I find myself wanting (this isn't about his judgment, honest) then I can put forth the effort to change. Maybe I'm not patient yet, but I will be, sooner or later. Maybe I don't have a degree right now, but come Hell or high water I will get it! She probably doesn't swear either. Shit. She also doesn't touch him (at least in public) and while she may be very finished she is lacking in impetuosity and fun. Did I see her smile once? In these areas, in the raw material I feel I am better. Please, oh please, let her be judgmental too!
There is one issue, however. One area when I feel I've hit a brick wall in my Holier-than-her analysis. She's blond. And I can't even begin to judge her for this, because her differences are such that I cannot look at them and say which is better. I could never aspire to be blond the way I might try to achieve patience, and I could never criticize her for failing to have dark hair. I would not be me if I had golden hair. The concept it too foreign. So why does this trait hurt me more than any of the others? First, because for four years I have heard my friend say he doesn't like blonds. Secondly, a blond is my antithesis, the anti-Audrey. And the fact that she is one feels like a complete rejection of all that I am. It is enough that it is different without being better or worse, because it is what he has chosen and not what I am, and therefore worth envying.
