First World Problems

I feel ashamed of my depression when I see the news. My heart breaks for the many families who suffer in the wars of evil men. Dear God, the babies. 

Dashboard Confessional - Again I Go Unnoticed

Riv Reunion

Last fall, thinking about my high school reunion, I reached out to friends from college and asked if they wanted to get together this summer. I received a lot of support for the idea. We voted on a date, people replying that they would be there, 100%. Then it fell to me to plan it, because I had started the ball rolling. 

Side note: it's not ever really a good idea to put introverts in charge of event planning.

I sent a message detailing some ideas. Got no response. I reserved a park pavilion in Provo, near where we used to hike, so we could do a cookout and bring families. The invitation has been ignored. I also planned to rent an Airbnb for that weekend and hang out there with friends. Maybe make a reservation for dinner somewhere. 

But after receiving no further encouragement, I am reticent to make further commitment. I should be buying airline tickets, but I haven't even looked. I am afraid that the others' 100% commitment was merely a reflection of momentary enthusiasm.

These are some of the people that I love most in the entire world. I might go years without talking sometimes, because I am a terrible introvert, but I would drop anything to help them. I still send texts on birthdays, and I have organized girls' nights via Zoom. These are the people who began this blogging in the first place, nearly 20 years ago. The ones who loved me and stretched me and taught me and made me into who I am. 

And I fear, deep in my soul, that I have loved them too freely, above what they feel in return; that I have let my hope run away with me and mistaken their conciliation for enthusiasm, their civility for affection; that I have let myself love unrequitedly. Again.

Dog person

I used to think I was a cat person, but I was wrong. Turns out, I'm a dog person.

Back To December

My Birthday

My sisters took me out the day before my birthday, so as to not step on the toes of my husband and kids. They took me to dinner at a brewery with fantastic food, and it just so happened to be trivia night. The theme: 90's music. We came in second place. We went back to Heather's house for cheesecake she had made for me, watched some foxes play, and then headed to Nora's for a regency-era chick flick. 

The next day, Kevin greeted me with "Happy birthday." And then proceeded to do nothing else. Katie asked him after school if he could take her to the store to buy me a present. He said, "maybe Saturday." A couple weeks earlier, he had asked me what I wanted for my birthday dinner, but come dinner time there was nothing. I fed the children cereal and ordered myself a pizza. Days before, Katie had asked to help him make my cake. But there was no cake. No present. Absolutely nothing.

I have never felt so invisible and forgotten.

I got apology flowers the next day, but no other acknowledgment. On Saturday, he did take the kids to buy me presents: combination birthday and Mother's Day, he said. 

He asked me what I wanted for breakfast for Mother's Day. I said, whatever it is, I want bacon and orange juice with it. He did cook bacon and scramble some eggs. No juice, though. And that is the last acknowledgment I received for Mother's Day. Though he was home, and didn't have meetings before church, I still had to get all three kids dressed and ready. I didn't get to shower. I asked him to sit with the family during first hour, as he was neither presiding nor conducting. He said he wanted to, but... I ended up leaving early with the kids who wouldn't stay in their seats. I got no nap, because Kevin asked me to put in the oven the casserole he made to take to his mom's dinner that night. Then, he wouldn't even drive when I asked him to, because driving was making him sleepy. Then, he took Michelle home and I had to do all the bedtimes by myself.

The anger lasted for days. The hurt has lasted longer.

And the really messed up part is that I feel guilty bringing it up, either to him or even on here. I felt guilty for wanting to express my anger and hurt, because it might hurt his feelings. But the other option is to let it fester, as so many wounds have done before it. 

I just want to be loved, and too often I have wondered if I am.

Rejections

 Last spring, I applied to the community college nursing program. I had perfect grades, perfect test scores, perfect application. And I got rejected.

The entire process was determined by a point system. Up to 3 points for each qualification. I had 24 out of 30 points, because I had not taken microbiology (which could be taken up to the first semester in the nursing program) and I had no relevant work experience. I got my CNA license but I did not work in the field, a combination of not having the time with kids at home and also not wanting to.

I got passed up in favor of those with work experience.

I felt at a loss. My plan had been the nursing program in the fall. I had worked hard and done everything I could to fulfill the prompting. It was a serious blow to my confidence.

I have since taken, and aced, microbiology. I also applied to UNC. While I got accepted to the latter, I cannot apply to their nursing program until next spring, after I take chemistry prerequisites that don't exist at the local community college. I also applied again this spring to the community college nursing program. I now have 27 points, but I do not have the last three for work experience. 

The applications were due May 10th. I have not heard back, which means I have likely been rejected again.

And I do not know what to do. I feel crushed and overwhelmed and lost. I don't know what my future looks like. And that is messing with my head.

 

Sound of Silence

Hello, lurkers, my old friends.
I've come to talk with you again.
While in my mind you've been peeping,
You read my thoughts while I am sleeping.
And the writing that was meant to entertain
Is now restrained
Amid the sound of silence.

I write this blog to feel less alone, to get out into words the fears and dreams that have been secretly my own. But I have found that I get many hits, sometimes daily, and I don't know the identity of my readership. For the most part, I don't mind. I imagine my friends reading, people who know me and understand. Some friends, I would go so far as to wish were reading this, like a message in a bottle washing up on its intended shores. But then there are others. Namely, my mother, who does not always appreciate personal boundaries. Since discovering the traffic on my blog, I have grown silent amid feelings of trust violated. If you are not she, read on. If we are friends, please let me know who you are. I probably miss you.

Little Women (2019) - I Want to Be Loved Scene (7/10) | Movieclips