Another big contributor to this feeling of angst is the fact that Katie started kindergarten this fall. Even though her being gone makes my school and errands easier, I miss her.
More than that, however, is that my children define me. For twelve years, I have been a stay-at-home mother, a housewife, a primary caregiver. I've always known in theory that when my hypothetical youngest started school that I would have to decide what I want to be when I grow up. But somehow none of that prepared me for my actual baby starting school.
It feels like I've been robbed of much of my purpose. Katie comes home by noon and my other babies in the afternoon, and I will still be their primary caregiver when they are home; but that is so little by comparison. I'm reduced to making dinner and singing bedtime songs.
I am not ready to stop being a stay-at-home mom. I don't feel ready to be done with babies and toddlers and especially preschool age where they are the absolute funniest cuddliest creatures in the world. As much as I love going back to school, I don't want to switch careers yet. I'm not ready to not be defined by my motherhood. But I've been given my pink slip.
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