High School Reunion

I think my twentieth high school reunion also contributed toward my recent existential crisis. I mean, how could it not? I don't know if there is an event more dedicated to reliving the past.

I skipped my ten-year reunion. I chickened out. I drove all the way to Dallas, but ended up just getting dinner with my high school best friend, Alyessa. Fried pickles seemed far more friendly than old faces. High school had not been a great time for me, and I wasn't eager to relive bad memories. 

This time, I went. I embraced it. I even organized a lunch the day before with the kids from seminary. I found that I have many more happy memories than I thought. More people I wanted to see than to avoid. I actually had a really great time catching up with people, even those who weren't necessarily my friends back in the day but who have grown into people I like. I'm sure they'd say the same about me. 

In high school, I was awkward, shy, and very insecure. I compensated by being a know-it-all, repressing my feelings, and resenting my peers. It was fascinating to hear that I had been viewed as smart and funny. I think time softens rough edges of our memories. Or maybe I hid my angst well.

How to even unpack this? Let's see if I can summarize what I have learned in years of therapy.

Much of my unhappiness in high school was untreated depression. Grief, even. September of my freshman year, my parents left the church very suddenly and without warning. To say I struggled would be an understatement. They divorced in May of my senior year, leaving me with all four years of a contentious home life. 

My parents loved me, and they provided a safe home. But emotionally, it was all me. They were not involved in my life at all, didn't participate or help, and I didn't have a first clue what I was doing. My older siblings had moved away from home, and I was left, feeling responsible for holding together my parents and my increasingly-dysfunctional little sister.

At the beginning of high school, I was part of a tightly knit group, the four of us inseparable, as we had been since seventh grade. Then, sophomore year, Rachel moved to Germany, and Niki left us over a boyfriend, Niki, to whom I had been closest. I felt heartbroken for years over our estrangement. 

Alyessa and I remained best friends. After high school, we even ran away to Disneyland on a road trip. I also had a few other friends, did occasional social things, usually in small groups. But often it was just me. Just me and books.

What I remember about high school was being lonely. 

Going back and facing that felt amazingly cathartic. I no longer felt invisible and insignificant. I felt confident and friendly, and forgiving of who we had all been back in those years, even myself. I had missed out on friendships with some great people, and I found myself wondering how could things have been different, if I had opened up to these people then?

How would my life have been different if I had made better and healthier decisions for myself back when my whole life lay before me?