Meh-rriage

I do not have a bad marriage. In fact, I often have quite a good marriage. It has its ups and downs just like anyone's, dry spells followed by not-so-dry spells. The best of times and the worst of times, and all that. On the grand scale of marriages, in the history of this planet, we've been blessed. Then, sometimes, comparing what we have to what we want, we'll occasionally come up short.

Things have been...had been...really good. 

Almost two years ago, Kevin got called to the bishopric, right at the same time, same week, that I decided to go back to school. We worried it would be hard. But, damn, did that boy step up his game. Or rather, step down his games. He spent more time on things that mattered and less time on post-apocalyptic multiplayer computer games. He spent more time with the kids and more time helping me get things done. 

It fell off recently, and while I can't be sure about some things, others I can pinpoint at three months ago. 

He's still supportive, still shoulders his share of the workload that comes of having a home and family, still gives me support when I need it. But he has disengaged. It seems like the only thing he does "with" the kids is let them watch him play computer games. And he and I do nothing at all together. Forget dates, we don't even do chores together. It feels rather like parallel play. Like we're business partners and roommates. 

Our marriage isn't bad right now. But it is meh. We're in a rut, without the rutting; a holding pattern without the holding; a stalemate without the mating. 

And when physical intimacy falls off, as it does in times of stress, all my old insecurities worm their way to the surface. I end up feeling rejected and undesired. Unloved. The thing is, I think he does too, which is why things go from meh to bad. And I need to stop that from happening.