The Things I Carried

I was so hard on myself for years for my early academic failures in college. It took me so long to get my act together, and everybody else seemed to do okay. 

And, then, I reread my journals and see just how much toxic family drama I had to deal with. 

I had dad in town with me, and it was my job, while a freshman in college, to take care of him. There were times I had to drive him to the hospital, or even the mental hospital in Salt Lake. Once, when I was supposed to pick him up, his doctors waffled on his discharge, and I missed classes, including a dance test. I got calls when he needed things or when he fell. Those times, I didn't have his car, and I had to ask for rides to go pick my dad up off the floor. Even when the needs weren't acute, I was the one worrying how to help him: if I ask to do laundry at his place, can I cheer him up? if I ask him to cook me some stew, will that make him eat a real meal? how can I arrange a blessing for him? can I get him to attend church if I go, too? 

I got calls from Joyce when Mom let Bob move in. I got calls from Mom when Joyce got arrested for drugs. I got emails from the family about Dad's (non-existent, turns out) schizophrenia and (very real) PTSD. I got calls from Dad asking about Bob. I got calls from Joyce when Mom put the dog down. I got calls from Mom to discuss the divorce. I got calls when Mom sold the family home. 

I also had financial worries, as Mom had disowned me for asking about Bob. Jason helped with rent my first semester, but I hated asking for help. I got campus jobs to pay rent after that, and Mom did change her mind and start paying my tuition my second year, but money from her always comes with strings attached. I never had enough and I always worried about it. 

I should not have had to deal with any of that. I feel such anger on behalf of my younger self. I want to step in and shield her.

No wonder I struggled so much to handle additional responsibility. One thing I can say in favor of myself is that I kept trying. I kept fighting. I got therapy and retook classes. I learned to work hard, and I began to ace my classes. It was never that I was stupid or lazy, but there is only so much that one person can carry at a time.