This is how I've chosen to illustrate the states of my marriage. I am the blue circles on the left, and Kevin is the yellow ones on the right. The size of the circle represents the individual state of being, from struggling out to thriving. Kevin is most often in his middle circle, maybe 90% of the time. I vacillate more, spending time in each.
And with my vacillation comes fluctuation in our marital happiness.
When I am struggling, our circles do not overlap. There is no marriage, really. No connection. Kevin is fine, and I am not. There is no support given or received. If I need something, I need to look outside my marriage for the strength to get me through.
When both of us are fine, which is the majority of the time, then our circles also overlap in the light green. We're fine. Our marriage is adequate. So, if I am doing well, then our marriage is pretty good. It's not really that our relationship has changed, but that I am more fulfilled in and of myself, and thus require less from him.
When we are both thriving, both our best selves, then our marriage falls in the dark green. As I said, Kevin rarely leaves his contented central circle, but this has happened on a handful of vacations. It is enough to keep me hoping for something better and more fulfilling than we have. Hope can be a two-edged sword, however, as it also lessens my satisfaction with anything less.
For a few months, Kevin and I were both struggling. We're better now. We're both doing fine and thus our marriage is adequate. Friendly. Supportive. Respectful. It is not the type of marriage that I want, not intimate companionship, but it is still a functional partnership. Not the type of marriage he or I could ever justify leaving.
We get by, and we've accepted that. And I don't know, given our different desires for emotional intimacy and different goals for life, how we can ever sustain anything better than fine.
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