Tea Time

I had an amazing weekend back in Provo with some of my best friends of my entire life. I had so much fun with Ted and Tarythe. We revisited old memories and made new ones, meeting his family and hiking Stewart Falls. It was everything I hoped for.

I didn't intend to spend the weekend venting about my pain. But, somehow, when those friends asked how I was, the tears sprang from my eyes and my voice wobbled. Provo just brought back a lot of very complicated emotions. Ones I hadn't dealt with since and ones that I have dealt with continuously throughout my life. 

Turns out, we all felt that way, and being together allowed for some deep catharsis. Tarythe and I cried together in our hotel room. And, more embarrassingly, Emilie, Caitie, Tarythe, and I cried together at lunch. 

I told them how I love Kevin, but it feels like I have to choose between him and the life I want. I told them how he is kind to me, but I feel invisible when he plays computer games. How he is a supportive co-parent, but emotionally avoidant. How he carries his weight around the house, holds down a job, is responsible in his calling, but never does anything with me and rarely with the family. He makes me laugh and matches me intellectually, but he doesn't want more children, and my heart is breaking.

Caitie described his behavior as neglect. I disagree with this. Maybe there is some apathy, definitely distraction. Maybe I would say inattentive, but not neglectful. Maybe it just comes down to having different priorities than I do. He is...differently caring.

The thing is, he has always been this way. Work comes first, always. I am convinced in my soul that had Kevin not been laid off from PWC in 2009, he would never have proposed. He had the ring for five months, but until he no longer had work, he did nothing. It's like he woke up and realized I was there. Then he began working at Dell.

So, Caitie said, the marriage has always been bad. Yes and no. The marriage has never really been different, but I would not say it is bad. There are times when I can handle it. I've explained this multiple times before, so forgive me. I'm trying to sort through a lot of baggage. I imagine many people would envy me this marriage, full of respect and helpfulness, free of violence or anger. I just want more. And I feel horribly guilty for that.

The girls asked what I was going to do about it. Truth be told, I don't know what there is to do. Leaving wouldn't make anything easier. It wouldn't give me the large family I want or the attention I crave. If life were a highway, I would simply take the next U-turn and go back to the exit I missed and go the right way. Time doesn't work like that. I can't undo. 

And I don't know how to move forward.

My friends gave practical advice for prioritizing time together. They talked about attachment styles and emotional intelligence. They talked about making choices and not being a victim, choosing to stay or to go. While I still don't know how to fix the things in my life that hurt, I feel seen and loved and supported.