masochism

Emilie, Cassidy and I watched an episode of Everwood. We didn't mean to. We flipped channels and there was the best scene ever. Boy and girls are dating and girl is insecure about her appearance overall, not just on this specific occasion. To make her feel better, he locks her in the bathroom until she can see herself in the mirror the way he sees her. Look at your skin, your lips, your eye lashes. We watched avidly.

It made Emilie want to cuddle; it made me want to be told how beautiful I am in someone's eyes; it made Cassidy wish she were self-conscious about her appearance. We relived the scene verbatim. We may as well have developed a habit of poking ourselves with flaming hot brands. Why do we do this to ourselves? Girls are gluttons for pain, as if wanting will replace having, as if viewing will feed longing. It's stupid. Really, really stupid.

Everyone wants a happily ever after, but planning out how it has to be will just leave us dissatisfied when the right person turns out not to follow a script written by the WB. There is no perfect guy, just a guy who's perfect for you. Yes, a guy who's perfect for me will find me beautiful -and better tell me so!- but he'll do it in his own way, and I'll be myself -someone who is too vain to admit feelings of inadequacy- and somehow that will work too, perfectly. Until then, I need to stop torturing myself.