I once told Emilie that I learn things about myself through observations not of my emotions but of my actions. Then I find a pattern and trace it back to its cause.
Recently I did this with my obsession toward checking email. I noticed that it is not random chance as to when I sit by the computer clicking refresh on my inbox, nor do I run to the laptop every time I get home. The pattern is this: I check my email when I am exceptionally emotional. I may be very happy, sad, lonely, giddy, romantic, proud, or any number of other emotions. I check my email because when I feel anything that strongly I know in some deep place in my mind that someone somewhere has to be reaching out yearning to be a part of that sense. It is a faith I cling to despite evidence to the contrary.
It is faith that who I am in my most raw form must appeal to someone, and that I need to share it with that person. I am glad to discover this about myself. Especially after last night. Last night I confided to Emilie that I am afraid that when someone really gets to know me then they will stop loving me. Now I know that my soul is really more optimistic than that. My fear of abandonment or inadequacy, or whatever it is, is really a surmountable barrier. I respond very quickly and easily to encouragement, and discouragement alike. If one is enthusiastic about any aspect of my character, I am inclined to show more. It's progressive. And it is not because I dislike my innermost self, but rather that I so love my innermost self that I would reveal it to none other than those who would also love it.
Is it weird to associate that with checking email? Perhaps there is no logical connection. But the relationship, strange though it may be, is that when I feel truly myself, I get on line to see who out there is ready to celebrate it with me.
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