Exit Ramps

I once had a crisis of faith, where I could see the end of my activity in the church looming ahead, just off the highway and the exit drawing closer. For the first time since my parents left the church when I was fourteen, I could actually envision making the same choice, ending up like them. That shook me to the core.

What grounded me was tithing settlement. Tithing is a principle of which I have a perfect testimony. I could never not pay it. Back when I was employed outside the home, paying tithing was the very first thing I would do with each paycheck. I knew I couldn't leave the church, because I needed to pay my tithing.

That experience taught me to always go back to the things I do know, before I give up due to what I don't know. I have not faltered in my testimony since. 

After the events of last summer, and then again recently, I began to see another exit ramp looming ahead; or perhaps I began to look for it. I am not yet forty years old, and despite all feelings to the contrary, my life is not ending. It's not even winding down. I have forty more years ahead of me.

And I don't want to spend them like this.

But as I lay awake at night and think through all my choices, past and future, I feel overwhelmed by despair. I made covenants, and I have children, and there is no exit ramp that I can take from my current challenges, that I can live with. And then, I think abut not living with it, just not living, and I terrify myself into remorse. 

Something's got to give, But not that.