missing K and not willing to admit it

It usually comes on suddenly and without warning. I am always amazed at the people I miss, especially the when and why of it. There are small triggers that spark something in my subconscious and then I am left with the effects of it. Yesterday was such a day where this happened often.

The Akula's had their softball game at seven, and despite the looming threat of an awkward run-in with J, I went. I felt like I was watched the entire time, but I didn't mind. As Julie said, I could dictate my own reactions. It was something else that bothered me. I never by any means missed J, but I did miss Ted, crazy badly. In his place some tall, skinny guy was pitching. Softball games will always do that to me, just as Haagen Dazs will always make me miss Elise. Billy Joel brings back Bryan and Rascal Flatts, Matt. These are the predictable ones. Like how I know I'll miss April whenever I buy a new toothbrush or listen to Blue October and Dashboard Confessional. It is the ones that blindside me that I am fascinated with.

Last night I got to missing K. It's odd really. Ashley was talking about DTRing with Brandon and all of a sudden I remembered how K and I usually never had to say things, we just knew. How when I had to tell him something important he would sit next to me so that I wouldn't have to avoid looking at him in my awkwardness. I could predict what he would do. Okay, he is really predictable. All I know is that last night laying in bed I was overcome by nostalgia for him, my friend. It happened Sunday too, when Bethany asked what had happened. Whenever he is brought up I find myself dwelling morosely on it.

Probably everyone lays in bed and forms conversations with someone who isn't there. I find it is usually the best time to tell someone off, to rehash exactly what I should have said when insulted. Last night I told off J with evil efficiency. When he looked at me all smarmily and tells me that he thinks I did have feelings for him, I counter scathingly, feelings for you? I was in love with K for a year and a half. He dumped me only two days before you kissed me. Tell me, oh genius, where in all that chaos did I have time to have feelings for you?

J thinks that he got too close to me and that my walls made me pull away. Deluded! I never trusted J, although I tried to force confidences every once in a while. One time I told him about my writing, pried from me with all my cynicism. I didn't even have the faith in J to hope that it would mean something to him. In fact, I wasn't surprised when one day he asked me with a hurt tone if I would ever tell him about my writing at all. Maybe it's not his fault that he has a crappy memory. I just remember how anything I told K about myself was cherished. He loved to hear me talk. Nobody has a worse memory than K but he remembered when I said something important.

Damn him and the fact that I miss him. Damn him that he's so far away when J is in town. Damn me most of all for knowing that I don't want him back but hoping that he might email me anyway, just to end this bit of not talking to each other. I don't care to talk to J again, but I do curse my pride that I drove K off as well. It just sucks that one is allowed to miss a friend but not a significant other, that to miss K is wrapped up with all sorts of complications. I don't want anything more than friendship with him, as if there is anything more than friendship, but I would at least like that back. I miss him and I can't do anything about it.