between times

Through winter semester I devoted myself wholly to school. My mind aimed at finishing a perfect semester, at proving that I could do this and do it well. I felt powerful determination not to let anything drop before the end. But then I reached the end and I felt like it marked the completion of my goal. I should have been finished! I surpassed my hopes or expectations for the semester. However, I have until December before school is over, and my true goal is still at a distance. Unfortunately, I already surfaced and broke the single-mindedness of my task.

Since then, I have been living in half-lives. The first is this Provo existence, my Here. I am now involved, socially, and have a superficial semblance of a real life. I cannot be fully invested in this place and time, however, because my mind, through my entire submersion, has been on my end goal, on another place in the vague future: my There. It is the aim of my work here, the reward for my labor. I think about There often because of my premature feeling of accomplishment and entitlement. I’m ready for my prize. But it still sits at a distance.

I bridge these two worlds and find little satisfaction in either. One is transient and, often, annoying. The other is imaginary. I need to re-submerge myself in academia, the only real link, like the Wardrobe, between the activities of my real life and the dreams I hold for the future.

Give me hours of blissful productivity in which to feel alive, so that I can end this semi-reality! Let me come closer to my goals and not squander time on trivial things! Help me to hold my breath a little longer, so that the eventual release will bring reward and pleasure. I don’t want to settle for the Here and Now. I want my prize.