tryin' like hell not to swear

Damn it.

I'm feeling the kind of aggression today that has to be burnt out, through long vigorous walks, singing loudly with music until I'm hoarse, and by swearing. Once it is sweated and cursed out of my blood I will use the resulting calm to uplift myself in scripture study and personal reflection, but until I finish screaming with Dashboard Confessional my mind won't sit still long enough to listen to my spirit. I feel like throwing my frickin' journal across the darn room.

Last night was so humiliating. I overheard Jared on the phone with Sarah. He mentioned he was going to give me a ride home. Her response (which I could hear quite plainly): "Oh Jared, you're so kind to her. It's so generous the way you take care of her." Did you hear the tone? For the love of peace, did you hear the belittling condescension? I did. And you know why it hurt so damn bad? Because it is what I think already! If she were to say to someone that I am a slut, I could laugh, because there is and never has been any truth in that. She could call me a liar without hurting my feelings, a gossip, stupid, whatever. But to hear in words what I fear is true, that I am a burden and a charity case, that went straight to the heart. I started crying in the car. Despite my embarrassment, I couldn't stop. The words that came to my head are worse than those I allow out now in continued frustration. I tried to explain to Jared just why I felt so hurt, and he tried to explain that he didn't mind giving me rides. But oh how my pride was wounded! and my pride is my favorite weakness.

Ask Bryan, my dear friend, and he will tell you how much like pulling teeth it is to get me to accept a ride, let alone ask for one. Hell, that's how he and I became friends: we got in a fight because he insisted on giving me a ride and I kept refusing. So I finally made a friend here and routinely accept help from him, and then a mutual acquaintance tells him he's generous for taking care of me! I almost called my mom that moment to buy the Honda Civic from her, even though I can't afford it. My pride would bankrupt me and be worth every penny.

Then today Nora let me know that my previous blog entry might look purposefully mean to Kevin were he to read it. Shit, I responded, glorying in my swearing to someone who won't look down on me for it. I didn't think what I wrote would be hurtful at all. Believe me, I have been hurtful on this blog on purpose and I succeeded. I can wield words with exceptional accuracy, but in this case it was ignorance, and I still can't see where I went wrong. I compared Jared's company to Dan's, but neither was a reflection on Kevin. But now I feel annoyed and angry at myself all over again, because there was truth in this second accusation too in all likelihood, and I'm still not retracting anything I've said, though I am sorry if it appears malicious. Hell.