When Emily told me the news, I had to laugh. It was funny in the too-much-drama-to-handle way. The blog I wrote last night, venting my feelings about Julie, was only posted for twenty minutes, after which time Emily and Cassidy told me it was too harsh. Although my feelings were justified, they said, there would be consequences for what I write. I have often chided others for their naivete. Just because you didn't want consequences does not mean they won't happen. I did not want contention so I deleted the post. The humor comes into play when it is discovered that in that mere twenty minutes Julie read the blog and has sworn estrangement hence forth. She told Emily that I deleted the blog to destroy evidence. Yeah. Okay. If I wanted to do that, I'd erase her ridiculous comment.
The sad part is that I deleted it for her feelings and for my soul. I wanted to rise above it, to be a better person. I released my frustrations slowly, reading the scriptures and elevating my feelings. I determined to be more like the Savior. I was glad I had erased something so hurtful. I was humbled and repentant. But I still got to face the consequences. I missed out on the chance to explore something beautiful because I was laughing at something ridiculous.
I am sorry when I lose my temper and say things that are cruel. It is what I hate most about myself. I deleted the entry because it was the first time I could literally take my words back. I'm not sad that they were read. I like to be honest about how I feel so that it does not get suppressed and start suffocating everyone I'm around including myself. Confrontation leads to clearing the air, to understanding each other and to learning to find a middle ground. It is an irony in life that avoiding confrontation leads to contention.
I am sorry that I hurt Julie's feelings, but I would not retract my own. I am sorry that she wants to avoid the apartment because of me, but I am not sorry if that brings peace. I am not sorry that I used my own blog -my journal- to express myself. I am sorry that it is leading to such drama.
1 comment:
Sounds like someone (whose name starts with the letter that comes after I) was taking herself a little too seriously.
Don't feel so bad, kiddo.
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