A phone call with Joyce two weeks ago sent me spiraling into total freak out mode. Sharing a labor horror story, Joyce describe the sound of an episiotomy. I decided I would not, could not go through that.
I can't do it! I wept to Kevin. I can't go through that!
Well, we can adopt.
That just opened up a flood gate of insecurities. It wasn't pregnancy and labor alone that I couldn't handle. It was kids.
I'm not fun. Heather thought to do moose hands, but I would never have thought to do moose hands. And I'll go crazy when they repeat the same thing over and over. I'll have no time to myself. I'll never write again. What if our kids get bullied. Or do drugs? I can't be responsible for a person.
Kevin sat there comforting me, until I finally reached breaking point and went to bed.
I told Joyce the next day that she had broken me. She comforted me by saying that if she had it to do all over, she would. Then she addressed specific concerns of mine, alleviating them one by one.
But, she said, I can't help you with the body image one. You will feel fat and ugly the whole time you are pregnant. Sorry.
But since that is pretty much old hat for me, I figure it might not be so bad after all.
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By the way, I'm not fun either. When I get on Skype with Owen, I say "what would Nora do?" and then I do that.
don't worry too much about the horrible shit that they can do as teens. i stay up nights thinking about how i'd feel if my children did a tenth of the crap that i did as a kid. then i figure... i turned out okay in the end. and i did a LOT of drugs. ;)
I'm a little terrified too. Of labour especially - I keep telling Scott that I want a water birth (in the distant future - this is not a pressing issue at the moment). Soothe the pain away, oh pleasantly hot pool of water.
But I'm also scared to be a mother. What if the kids like Scott more than me? What if they like their aunts, or their grandmothers more than me? What if they like EVERYONE more than me?
Insecurities suck.
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