me time

Ted called me an hour after I'd been hit by the car. "Are you okay?" he asked me after a little while. I told him I thought I was a little bit in shock. "It's not that. You don't sound well." Ted, I've been crying for the past hour. Of course I don't sound well. "No, Audrey. There's something else going on, isn't there?" I didn't say anything at the time.

Yeah, there's something else going on. There are times, very predictably the first weekend of each month, that I cry seemingly for no reason. (Hormones are a reason, though.) But last Sunday was not one of those times. Neither was Tuesday or Wednesday. Nor was last night. A week of this? I mused. In the middle of the month? This can't be right.

I called my Mom, my sister, Emilie, my home teachers and Kevin. And then yesterday I turned off my phone.

It's the first time since before I moved here that I told myself the world could wait, when the hope that someone would reach out to me wasn't enough to keep me anchored to my cell. I went on a walk and left it behind. I never checked it, not once, to see if someone had called, if there was a text message or a voicemail. I felt free of my shackles. My phone no longer sat in the back of my mind like a large, red, lidless eye tempting me in my every move.

I spent the morning writing in my journal, reading scriptures and praying. I didn't have any answers by the end, but I felt calmer and now at least I know what many of the questions are. That's a relief.